I haven’t blogged in the last couple of weeks about our lives as things have been a bit up and down and I think I have lacked the motivation to write anything down.
Our story continues.
At the beginning of last month I wrote a post named ‘I need patience and I need it now.’ I hoped at the time of writing the post, with the advice that I had been given, that I would be better at keeping calm and be able to parent in a more therapeutic and empathic way.
Well, a few weeks on, I can say that I feel no further on. Don’t get me wrong, professionals, family and friends have listened to me, given me advice, supported me and even helped with some aspects of childcare, all of which have been helpful and I am grateful. However, I have found myself making perhaps some progress, feeling that flicker of hope and then feeling as though it has all been snapped away when I feel impatient, frustrated or angry.
Questions such as, ‘why I feel as though I am struggling to bond with my youngest daughter’, ‘why do I have a range of emotions that I never knew a mother could feel’, ‘why can I not always parent in this calm therapeutic way that we are taught’, ‘do we need to parent in a empathic way or can we parent as our parents taught us’ and ‘why can’t I take time to well and truly relax and recharge’, frustrate me.
It would be lovely to be able to easily shut off, chill out and not over analyse every behaviour and every response. I would like to have faith in my own abilities and to trust that it will all come together with time. I must find a way to stop judging myself and weighing myself up against other people and parents.
I have sought advice from an adoption advice forum and another adopter. Both of which suggested listening and reading some of Bryan Post’s information. I have started to look at his work and again I am beginning to see that there is some hope that I am not alone and it is possible to get through these feelings.
Our Local Authority has been helpful and so far state that they are pleased with how far we have come in a short space of time. The Social Worker seems to have every faith in my/our abilities. So then why do I feel so frustrated and irritated by my own shortcomings? Our Social Worker has arranged for some further in-depth support from an adoption charity. Again, I am hopeful that this will offer me the help that I need to cross the bridge from desperation to hopefulness.
I wanted to document and share this part of our journey to confront, discuss and lose some of the taboo and shame, which can be associated with ‘not coping’ and feeling as though you are not being a ‘good enough parent’.
This blog was written for The Adoption Social, this week's theme is 'Stories'. #WASO.