Friday, 22 November 2013

It's not always easy being mum!


I haven’t blogged in the last couple of weeks about our lives as things have been a bit up and down and I think I have lacked the motivation to write anything down.





Our story continues.

At the beginning of last month I wrote a post named ‘I need patience and I need it now.’ I hoped at the time of writing the post, with the advice that I had been given, that I would be better at keeping calm and be able to parent in a more therapeutic and empathic way.

Well, a few weeks on, I can say that I feel no further on. Don’t get me wrong, professionals, family and friends have listened to me, given me advice, supported me and even helped with some aspects of childcare, all of which have been helpful and I am grateful. However, I have found myself making perhaps some progress, feeling that flicker of hope and then feeling as though it has all been snapped away when I feel impatient, frustrated or angry.


Questions such as, ‘why I feel as though I am struggling to bond with my youngest daughter’, ‘why do I have a range of emotions that I never knew a mother could feel’, ‘why can I not always parent in this calm therapeutic way that we are taught’,  ‘do we need to parent in a empathic way or can we parent as our parents taught us’ and ‘why can’t I take time to well and truly relax and recharge’, frustrate me.

It would be lovely to be able to easily shut off, chill out and not over analyse every behaviour and every response. I would like to have faith in my own abilities and to trust that it will all come together with time. I must find a way to stop judging myself and weighing myself up against other people and parents.

I have sought advice from an adoption advice forum and another adopter. Both of which suggested listening and reading some of Bryan Post’s information. I have started to look at his work and again I am beginning to see that there is some hope that I am not alone and it is possible to get through these feelings.

Our Local Authority has been helpful and so far state that they are pleased with how far we have come in a short space of time. The Social Worker seems to have every faith in my/our abilities. So then why do I feel so frustrated and irritated by my own shortcomings? Our Social Worker has arranged for some further in-depth support from an adoption charity. Again, I am hopeful that this will offer me the help that I need to cross the bridge from desperation to hopefulness. 


I wanted to document and share this part of our journey to confront, discuss and lose some of the taboo and shame, which can be associated with ‘not coping’ and feeling as though you are not being a ‘good enough parent’. 

This blog was written for The Adoption Social, this week's theme is 'Stories'. #WASO. 


14 comments:

  1. You are absolutely not alone, I can relate to all you say. Xx

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    1. Thank you, although I wouldn't wish these feelings on anyone it's good to know I'm not on my own! x

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  2. Take heart from what your social worker is saying - they will have seen loads and loads of parents so if they say you're doing ok, then you are. Of course, that doesn't help with your toughest critic - yourself! As parents we are often not only comparing ourselves to other parents (imagining them all to be Pinterest Perfect 24/7!) but to our own idealised image of what we should be as parents. I recently met with NB's adoptive Mummy who confessed to me that she was horrified after over 40 years of living as a calm, measured and assured person, that the arrival of NB into her life has brought out a "dark side" to her that she didn't know she had. And she's a therapist! No parent is perfect, so times of failure are inevitable - take all the help you can get to support you in dealing with those times and the complex emotions they provoke.

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    1. Hi, you made me smile when I read that even a therapist has been in touch with her 'dark side' since becoming a parent. In a weird way that offers some comfort and reassurance. Thank you very much for your comment. x

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  3. I really appreciate you posting this - I have been feeling very similar, approaching our 6 month mark from placement - and have frequent moments of feeling furious - and then crap about how un therapeutic I am! I feel cross and grumpy and can just hear my voice some days as I say 'don't do that' over and over.

    Sally Donovan's book helped - she talked about 'not sweating the small stuff' - when I read that I rolled my eyes at her wise therapist as if it wasn't that easy - but when I Found my own equivalent - which is about not caring too much about anything other than connecting with the children, I started to get more good moments than bad. I think that the amount of my crossness is equal to how much importance I place on getting somewhere, keeping something tidy, doing what we planned, eating the 'right' thing etc. So I think i'm starting to discover that caring for the children can only work if I stop caring about other things........no idea if that makes sense! good luck - you're good enough - just knowing that it matters so much to you means your'e good enough x

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    1. Hi, thank you so much for taking time to read the blog and comment. I agree that a lot of the frustration comes from how much importance I place on something. I am trying so hard to pick my battles and chill out. Sometimes I annoy myself when I just haven't caught myself in time and I start telling the kids off for something that doesn't really matter!

      I too have read Sally's book and found it very helpful and enlightening.

      Thank you for sharing your experiences, although I wouldn't wish these feelings on anyone ... it's handy to know that I am not on my own. x

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  4. You are doing a good job Three Pink Diamonds because I know you are reaching out and that's the most important thing - don't withdraw from others for too long as it gets difficult to come back once you do. We are always here if/when you need us - BraveHeart...

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    1. Thank you very much for all your support. I mentioned to the SW that you had supported me and she was pleased we had been in touch. Hopefully speak to you soon.

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  5. I can also relate to all of what you say. My head seems to swim with these questions all the time. I think as adoptive parents we analyse our parenting and our interactions with our children with such scrutiny. Desperate to get it right, but also scared of making things worse. Hopefully knowing that your not alone will help but also keep finding that little bit of space or time for you because it will help. I find that this is by far the best thing for me, even if it's just insisting that Saturday night is Strictly night and my choice of TV. I found that everyone else got to choose what was on the box and not me, but I've put my foot down on this one and it feels good. The other thing I would say as far as those swimming questions, be reassured by those who say you're doing a good job and trust your instincts. Hope things improve soon. x

    Thanks for linking up with #WASO

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    1. Hi Sarah, thank you for your comment. It def helps to know that I am not on my own with these thoughts. x

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  6. Like you we took three children in one go which is nothing to be sniffed at. I look back at the first year, the stresses and strains as well as the fun and happiness.
    I felt like I was hanging on by the seat of my pants, so much to learn, not only about them but mostly about me. But we did it, each day got easier, each week easier than the last, love grew and I learned to relax a little. Not an easy time but listen to good advice lean on safe friends and family and you will get through.

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    1. Hi, thank you very much for your encouraging words and for taking the time to read and comment on my post. A few people have said that the first year is the hardest, so I'm holding on... waiting and hoping it gets easier.

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  7. I really like your blog because of its honesty and in reaching out to others you are also supporting them. Over my years as an adoptive parent I have hated myself...and the whole world on very many more than one occasion! It really is a tough job but you are not alone xx

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    1. Thank you so much, it always helps to know others have been through these difficult times (not that I would wish it on anyone). Thank you for reading my blog and leaving a comment.

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